Pixel Envy

Written by Nick Heer.

“I’d like your pointiest boot.”

Men’s boots with a very pointy tip are incredulously difficult to find.

I was out with two friends when one decided that he desired such boots. We visited several stores attempting to find the desired degree of pointiness. Most were far too wide, and much too blunt. I imagine that the boots he wanted would have a degree of point so high that they could cut glass. I can’t figure out why he’d want a razor blade attached to his toes, but that’s just me. We entered Store One. My friend approaches the clerk.

“Hi. I’d like your pointiest boot.”

By the clerk’s expression, I assume my friend would have been more welcome asking for a unicorn steak with extra rainbows. Cue a scripted “right this way, sir.”

A quick perusal of the shelf, and I assume my friend would have had more selection asking for that unicorn steak. With extra rainbows. And a dusting of destroyed dreams. The clerk pointed to one particular pair which had a tip about half-an-inch tall by about three-quarters of an inch wide. “This is our pointiest boot, but to be honest, that style is on its way out. You probably won’t have much luck.”

With fashion advice coming from a guy with a brown belt, we immediately left. “I want pointy shoes, dammit.”

Store Two had a banner promoting their “Shoe-aholic” sale. We walked in with my friend strutting slightly faster, as he does when he’s just thought of something incredibly witty. This should be good.

“I’d like your pointiest pair of boots, and some shoe-ahol.”

The clerk didn’t get it. We left.

Store Three had less selection than either of the previous. Their section of non-casual shoes was pitiful, spanning a single shelf. My friend grabbed a stiletto from the shelf, prodded me in the side and asked if it would be weird if he requested a similar style in a men’s size.

He still doesn’t have his pointy boots.