Written by Nick Heer.

How to Look Like a Buffoon in 800 Words or Less

Oren Frank, for the bastion of quality reporting that is the Huffington Post:

How to Turn an Apple Believer to Android in Ten Minutes or Less

Show them Google Now?

Dear apple geniuses, misfits, the very ones who are “not fond of rules”*.

Way to quote the “Think Different” campaign. You’re very original. (Please note all capitalization is [sic]).

If you looked at my apple ID, I think you’ll notice I’m not your worst client. Au contraire. In the last couple of years I purchased a few dozen apple devices, and that’s before software, apps, iCloud, and the continuous bloodbath on iTunes after my daughter cracked my password again.

There’s the obligatory “I’m no hater” introduction.

In the good days of your cult, when the prophet was still with us, our mental P&L accepted the apple formula of “We come up with amazing new products, and you pay an arm, leg and a kidney, and never ever question the faith.”

And there’s the obligatory use of religious terminology. By the way, John Sculley isn’t dead, and nobody thinks he’s a proph— oh, Oren’s referring to Steve Jobs. Right.

I still think your company and your products are far better — my macbook airs, iPads, apple TV’s and yes, even my iPhone 5 are all in my opinion (still) better than their competitors.

So why talk Android? Because you insulted me and my intelligence.

Warning, reader: this blog post is about to insult your intelligence.

I bought one of the very first iPhone 5’s and unfortunately smashed the screen. I then went to an apple store where they asked for $400 for the repair. I sighed, found a kiosk, and got it fixed for half. Two things happened since: you understood you need to provide a reasonable repair service and dropped the price to $150, and I managed to crack the screen yet again. This time I headed to the NJ Garden State Plaza store, and asked to pay for a new screen. Jovanie the genius was very cool and informed me he can’t fix it because it’s not the original screen.

First, a display replacement used to cost $229, not $400; I’m not sure where the latter figure came from, but I suspect either the employee was mistaken or Oren isn’t telling the full story.

Second, the part used by the third-party replacement service wasn’t an original Apple part, so what the hell does this guy expect? Would he expect Apple to service a knock-off iPhone under warranty?

So I wanted to say goodbye and thanks for all the fish. I’m moving on. I also wanted to wish you luck; if my experience is indicative I think luck may come in handy soon.

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.