Pixel Envy

Written by Nick Heer.

Translation of Stephen Elop’s Memo to Microsoft Employees From Weird Corporate Euphemisms to English

Stephen Elop:

Hello there,

Greetings, earthling. ’Sup, chump?

Microsoft’s strategy is focused on productivity and our desire to help people “do more.” As the Microsoft Devices Group, our role is to light up this strategy for people.

I haven’t talked face-to-face with anyone in a non-managerial position since the mid-2000s which explains my jilted language here.

To align with Microsoft’s strategy, we plan to focus our efforts.

Good luck with the job hunt.

The roots of this company and our future are in productivity and helping people get things done.

The Office productivity suite includes Word, which is great for putting together your résumé.

Our fundamental focus – for phones, Surface, for meetings with devices like PPI, Xbox hardware and new areas of innovation — is to build on that strength.

The wide variety of game titles available on the Xbox will help out when you’re waiting around to hear a callback from a potential employer.

While our direction in the majority of our teams is largely unchanging, we have had an opportunity to plan carefully about the alignment of phones within Microsoft as the transferring Nokia team continues with its integration process.

I am burying the lede.

It is particularly important to recognize that the role of phones within Microsoft is different than it was within Nokia. Whereas the hardware business of phones within Nokia was an end unto itself, within Microsoft all our devices are intended to embody the finest of Microsoft’s digital work and digital life experiences, while accruing value to Microsoft’s overall strategy.

I am stalling.

Our device strategy must reflect Microsoft’s strategy and must be accomplished within an appropriate financial envelope. Therefore, we plan to make some changes.

So many of you are fucked.

We will be particularly focused on making the market for Windows Phone.

My announcement of these layoffs will be drawn out like an X-Factor season finale. Here’s the first commercial break.

In the near term, we plan to drive Windows Phone volume by targeting the more affordable smartphone segments, which are the fastest growing segments of the market, with Lumia. In addition to the portfolio already planned, we plan to deliver additional lower-cost Lumia devices by shifting select future Nokia X designs and products to Windows Phone devices. We expect to make this shift immediately while continuing to sell and support existing Nokia X products.

I’m using the word “we”, but there’s a really good chance you’re not part of this “we”.

We expect these changes to have an impact to our team structure.

Pack up your desk.

As part of the effort, we plan to select the appropriate business model approach for our sales markets while continuing to offer our products in all markets with a strong focus on maintaining business continuity. We will determine each market approach based on local market dynamics, our ability to profitably deliver local variants, current Lumia momentum and the strategic importance of the market to Microsoft. This will all be balanced with our overall capability to invest.

I was allowed approximately one thousand words for this memo and I intend to use that entire length.

We plan to right-size our manufacturing operations to align to the new strategy and take advantage of integration opportunities.

We are voting “manufacuring” off the island.

We plan that this would result in an estimated reduction of 12,500 factory direct and professional employees over the next year.

Eleven paragraphs in, here’s the news. I am currently updating my LinkedIn profile to add “buring the lede” to my list of skills. Speaking of LinkedIn, hope yours is up to date.

We recognize these planned changes are broad and have very difficult implications for many of our team members. We will work to provide as much clarity and information as possible.

We will work to provide as much clarity as business majors who use the word “synergies” three times in a short memo realistically can.

The team transferring from Nokia and the teams that have been part of Microsoft have each experienced a number of remarkable changes these last few years.

I’m still spending the $25 million I made a few months ago, and a private villa on Lake Como sounds pretty nice right about now.

Regards,

Stephen

Barely dodging my own firing,

Stephen